I have moved around A LOT in my life. In fact, I moved so many times when I was little that I don’t really know how many places I have lived. I know that by the time I started school, I ended up going to 5 different schools within those 13 years. I’m well versed at what it feels like to be the new kid. The one who knows no one, who doesn’t fit anywhere, the one just looking for a seat at the lunch table. I actually ended up eating lunch in the bathroom on the first day of tenth grade because the lunch room was so packed and I didn’t have the guts to ask some complete strangers to squeeze in between them.
Even if you haven’t moved a lot, it seems like we can all relate to feeling out of place somewhere, just a feeling that we don’t belong. I think the devil really works hard to attack our hearts in this way. If we think we are alone it tends to paralyze us. We concentrate on ourselves too much and focus on finding our place, leaving us little time to step in to help someone else out of their hurt or loneliness. Isolation is a powerful tool to wound us and keep us from fulfilling Jesus’ command to love one another.
It would be easy to look back on my life and think that so many of the times I was left out was by young immature people. You don’t have to spend a lot of time on a pre-school playground before hearing a fight break out about someone not wanting to play with someone else. It would be nice if that kind of exclusion stopped before grade school, but instead, it just becomes a little more calculated and intentionally hurtful with each passing year.
The really sad thing to me though, is how I have watched and experienced it continue on into adulthood.
Don’t get me wrong, you can’t be best friends with everyone. The very definition of the word “best” makes that impossible. Best is for a singular thing, that’s what “best” means. The one friend that is the most friendish. And, every time that you want to invite someone over or hang out with a few friends, you don’t have to invite every one you know. There are always going to be times when you need to have a deep conversation with a friend and you set the date intentionally. These deep connection moments are not how we spend the majority of our time though.
Have you heard of the “Fill a Bucket” book? I remember my middle son coming home from kindergarten a few years back talking about filling buckets. I had no idea what he was talking about. But as he explained to me how the book helped him to see everyone as carrying around a bucket full of water, I began to understand what they were trying to teach him. The book helps children to see that they have a bucket they carry that represents their emotional health. It can leak or be emptied or filled by many things but the fullness of the bucket has an impact on their feelings and their behavior. Not only that, but everyone they know carries a bucket as well and the way they treat people either contributes to filling that person’s bucket or emptying it.
As the devil works to cut a hole in our bucket that we cannot seal, it leaves us in so much pain that we can be blinded to the pain around us. We become obsessed with finding more and more water that we completely loose sight of where we are getting it from and don’t care whose bucket we may empty along the way.
As adult women, we can be just as guilty of cliques and excluding others (sometimes even more so) than our teenage or younger counterparts. I know it happens intentionally in some circles. There are so many women walking around with gaping holes in their bucket who have stopped caring whose bucket they have to steal from in order to find more water. I think though, there are other women whose pain is so deep that they are blinded to where they are getting their water from. They don’t realize the pain they are inflicting while they exclude others in order to just feel like they belong themselves. They feel the need to fight so hard for their place in the group that they don’t see the people they exclude as people they are excluding. They can’t think about anything except if they belong.
These are things like, going out to lunch with co-workers and not thinking about who was left behind, sitting at a game and not being open to others joining your conversation, suggesting a newcomer always ask someone else for information they need. These are not big moments, they aren’t serious or intentionally intimate. They happen all the time as we go about our day to day activities where we have the chance to make someone feel included and fill up their bucket a little or not.
First things first, we have to get our bucket repaired. We cannot love others with the inclusive love Jesus lived and loved with, if we are empty and broken. We HAVE to take our hearts to Jesus and let Him heal those wounds that keep us from feeling fulfilled and joyful. True joy comes from being filled to overflowing with the acceptance of Jesus and then being able to turn around and fill the buckets that Jesus brings into your life day by day.
1 Peter 4: 8-10 says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.”
As Christian women, we must create a culture where everyone is loved deeply. Always make room for one more at the table, open the invitation to include whoever you might cross paths with that day. Be a person who brings people and groups together, offer all the information you know, not just what the person asked, share all the secrets you have gained from experience. Pull people into conversations and be generous with your influence, even if you don’t think you have much. This is what I think offering hospitality to one another looks like. You don’t have to have a big brunch with matching china at your house and the perfect decorations to show hospitality. Make people feel welcome wherever you go.
The last part of that verse says to use whatever gift you have received to do these things. I have watched two of my friends live this out in different ways. One of my friends LOVES to plan a party and decorate and cook, it brings her joy and helps her destress. That is not what cooking does for me but THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT. She loves it and she consistently uses that love and joy to host people over to her house and have little get togethers to bring people together and help many different women feel seen and loved. The other friend that comes to mind doesn’t host much at her house that she doesn’t have to, but there have been many times when we have been out together and we see someone she knows. She pays attention to the people around her and gets to know them and loves to introduce them all to each other. If one group is hanging out and they bump into another friend, there’s always room to include anyone and everyone.
I don’t believe the Bible is talking about loving this way in return. It’s talking about being the first one to open up and invite someone in when the Lord crosses your path. We can’t decide that we don’t want to do this because we felt slighted or excluded once. We don’t know what all someone could be dealing with or what argument they just walked out of or what bad news they just received. I can tell you from experience that people can be dealing with depression that you never know about. It can affect what they are able to even process, much less how friendly they come across to you. Offer grace, show love, be abundant with your inclusion.
You can’t offer this to anyone without Jesus, but once you get your bucket sealed and can start looking for other buckets to fill, you will find joy. Don’t hold grudges, don’t make up stories for people. Offer grace and look for ways to include people. Talk to strangers, start conversations, offer solidarity. It doesn’t need to be a burden. Just pay attention to the small ways Jesus brings people into your life for you to include. May people feel the love of Jesus after spending time with us!
Your Fellow Traveler
lacey
Find True Joy 